The Suge Knight Out and Bad Badman Award:
This award is reserved for the band that embodies several aspects that a one Mr. Suge Knight would hold dear to his heart….If he has one. First, in order to thank your loyal masqueraders as well as attract new ones, one keeps them waiting at least two hours prior to the onset of a launch. Second, there is no official registration announcement or website available with pricing information in order to preserve the “mystery” of the band and to build up anticipation. Third, when your devotees least expect it, registration news is dropped like it’s hot through word of mouth, the ghetto grapevine, the internet ghetto grapevine, and via fine internet blogs such as this one. Fourth, for the hungry overseas persons eager to register for their mas, one serves them a long distance b*tch slap and tells them to pay in full. Via Money Gram, who like, NO ONE uses. Without instant confirmation of registration, leaving people wide open to be susceptible to fraud. Fifth, costume sizes are preordered and not custom made, so GET CHO’ ARSES WHEY ALLYUH FIT EEN! Sixth, multiple trips for costume retrieval are de rigeur for the masqueraders as IP wants them entirely “fit for de mas”. Let’s go for 7th, 8th, and 9th, but it seems like these folks behave more out and bad than good ol’ Suge….He took no prisoners even when he WAS a prisoner! So back to the Awards.
1. The Scheherazade Nod Yuh Head To This Award:
Okay, so Arabian Nights definitely won this. This section was crafted in stellar fashion and it was superb that there were enough options to make your head spin. A, AA, BB, QQ, XX, XRay…..It was no wonder de king couldn’t bloody well fall asleep! He had to stay awake every night listening to ol’ whashename reciting each and every option. Spellbinding colors, outstanding jewelry, and some oh so sensual veils. Oh hor, so allyuh nodding off? ESCUCHAME! Well, nod allyuh head to this….
2. The Supercalifragilisticexpaladocious Uberbad Winged B*tch Section Award:
Oui, oui, IP deserves one too sweetie! This award goes to what I consider the tour de force in IP’s entire presentation………Goddess & Defender. Apparently many do agree with allyuh Dolli as I believe it was the most photographed IP section on de road. I had some issues with de lil’ chinky wings that were used, and yes, yes, I know it is Mr. Lara’s section, but what can I say? Nonstop GORGEOUSITY! All de smart men registered for this section to rhel defend these lovely goddesses. Despite the rumors in reference to his so called “handpicking” of female participants, it seems to be the H.O. Diva Achiever section every year. If there was a breathtaking beauty on the road in IP, most likely girlfriend was up in this section riggggggght here. I even appreciated the fact that there were very few inappropriately funbagged ladies in yuh nice cage brassiere. I, for one, will not even cotton to said rumors as I want to believe that Mistah Prince has more pressing matters to contend with. If not, pick up yuh cricket bat nah boi! But seriously, psssst..Mr Lara. If allyuh cohorts ever get the kinks EXTREMELY ironed out, I feel yuh go see meh eh? YUH go see MEH! 😉
3. The Walk Like Ah Champion Best Individual Masquerader Award:
To that divinely decked out fellow in the Sacred Sand section. I absolutely adored the section colors, the plentifulness of plumes in the backpiece, and your effervescently festive makeup. If you’d not heard it before, you shall read it now. You looked MAHHHHHHHHHHVELOUS dahlink, just mahvelous!
4. The Helen Keller What? What? What? Honorable Mention Award:
This goes to Tuareg. This section totally fit in with the theme, but whaaaat? Did it really have an impact on the road? If so, where was it? If yes, who even played in this thing? Did you hear about this Helen? Whaaaaaaaaaaaaat Miss Sullivan? Did you see it Helen? What? Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat?
5. The She’ll Be Coming Around The Mountain When She Comes Section Award:
Jewel of the Nile. This was supposed to be the one of the most “kick arse” sections in IP. I wasn’t buying it. (Watch how meh face twist up…Watch alll now.) Here’s why: Whenever one witnesses a model at a launch wearing a backpiece and working it as if it is a knapsack, should she be held culpable? I say not. Look at the design of the backpiece. The poor gyel looked uncomfortable and was holding onto that thang for dear life. I also did not appreciate the scantiness of the feathered headpiece. In other words, she was roughing it. All up and through the Adirondacks. So much brouhaha over a section that was reportedly not as spectacular in person. Ah well. Wend away shall we? She’ll be cominnnnnnnnnng around the mountain when she comes. Take it to the bridge. She’ll be coming around the mountain, she’ll be coming around the mountain, she’ll be coming around the mountain when she comessssssssss.
6. The Fowlcock Temperance League Award:
Sirocco Winds wins this one. I don’t care what anyone says, this was such a sweet section. I loved the muted tapestry of chromatics and metallics in the fabric, it looked too rich to forego an indulgence. This section (as did TRIBE’s “Angelfish” from 2K6) is one that proves that beauty in ah mas can occur sans a single feather or crystal. The birds at the Fowlcock Temperance League thank allyuh who were in this section profusely.
7. The Kermit the Frog It’s Not Easy Being Green Award:
Cacti. This section was slammed as the veritable Milli Vanilli out of all of the sections available in what IP decided to call a band. But guess what? It looked one HELL of a lot better than some of the others being touted as the next coming in high, big fashion arse mas. It’s just not easy being green.
8. The I Know Why You’re Here But Why, Really? Section Award:
Le Soleil Brule. We know the section was fantastic. Yes, we KNOW. However, it is BEYOND me why someone with the talent and following that Sonia Mack has would want to be associated with an organization with the huge technical difficulties IP has had. Why, Sonia? Whyyyy? You are too right to have your own ting going on at your own camp over on Delhi. Yuh have de skills tuh pay de bills, gyel yuh is Ms. Good Reputation. Don’t ruin it. Hit the ground running diva, don’t get mix up in the madness. Hot runnnnn. Hot runnnn. RUNN SONIAAAAAAAA! RUNNNNNNNNN SONIA! Aiaiaiaiaiaiaiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii.
9. The Move Out of tha Way for the Motherland Section Award:
Nubians. This section was different, and I like different. Would I wear it? Noooo, but that’s not the issue at hand here. Sturdy beading, cowrie shells, and one magnificent mohawk headpiece sealed the deal for many folks. When one chipped dong the road to this the only thing to be said was: MOVE!….. GET OUT DE WAY GET OUT DE WAY…MOVE!
10. The Temple Was Doomed Award:
Raiders of the Desert. I can actually appreciate having a “Raiders” section as it ties into the theme of the band. And I thought the fellahs looked rhel kool in this costume option. Almost TOO kool. Too kool for school if allyuh get meh point. With Indiana Jones as de schoolmarm. At one point, I thought this section looked like nothing more than ah lime instead of people taking time out to fix themselves up and rhelly play ah mas. Steups. At that pricing yuh cannot kick any sand in my eyes…..The temple was truly doomed.
11. The Flavor Flav Don’t Believe The Hype Award:
Sahara Jumbie. I know Flav was in Trini this year. Why? I really don’t know. I know His Royal Majesty de Nonstop Winahboi did jump in de section. And I know the corresponding chune is ah BIG CHUNE but I doh keh! Wayne Brady did tell meh once that “good black don’t crack”, but he wasn’t describing this mas here. I’ve no issue with the color, it’s just that the iridescence was not enough to make this work. The mask itself was so plain it didn’t deserve ah second look. Party City could’ve done allyuh proud. At your convenience, do take the liberty to pop over to Harts and inquire about constructing beautiful dark colored costumes. To think I believed this was one of the sections that photographed the best on the website. It is amazing to me what lights, camera, action (and some smoke and mirrors) could REALLY do. I shall always wistfully remember 2K7 as the year I got schooled on the fact that the Sahara actually has jumbies. But masquerader beware, it does have some rhel buzzards too……Don’t believe the hype allyuh…Don’t believe the hype.
12. The Louis Braille Opthalmologic Hazard Award:
Oasis. I loved this costume in the pics when IP launched because like many, it was considered to be a remix of TRIBE’s Nylon Pool. So there was a teeny weeny lack of creativity, but what wasn’t there to love? A banging cerulean blue color, huge feathers, cute neckpiece, a surplus of beads, and a giant fan. Ah fan behind which de IP sweetgyels could flutter their eyelashes ever so coyly at some sexy hombre (IP does have PLENTY; is like CostCo fuh men in dey). Then they finally “bless” you with it in person. *SIGGGH* Why doesn’t the color pop? Why is there chicken wire pon top meh head? Why can’t I see after it has scratched meh poor lil’ eye out? Why do Helen Keller and I now have to read by moving our fingertips over one set ah points? Why Louis? Why?
13. The We Ain’t Gine Home Frontline Section Award:
Mirage. Thank God for de Bajans. First pretty in pink with Illusions and now this. This section was the frontline that got it RIGHT. Some complained about the lack of vibrancy of the colors, but I’ll not hang them out to dry. Here’s why: The feathers in this costume were abundant and resplendent. Altogether now! Abundant, resplendent. It seemed as if the persons bringing this section actually took allyuh paid in full money and put it to good use by rhel purchasing feathers fuh de F.H.O.s (and that fab individual) to pompasette themselves in. I thought the frontline headpiece should have been redone, but the H.O.s didn’t seem to mind too much. Another year and yet another good job.
14.The Why Should I Even Bother? Award:
Sahara Sunset. The sun has set. Why should I even bother? Don’t worry and hurt up allyuh heads them. I won’t. Fin.
And bringing up the rear:
The Spanky and Alfalfa Ethyl Alcohol Dry Mouth Lifetime Achievement Award:
Goes to the band Islandpeople for the following reason…..Remember the Little Rascals episode in which the kids whispered, “Don’t drink the milk. Why? It’s spoiled!” Apparently on the road many disgruntled masqueraders were overhead saying, “Don’t drink de rum. Why? It done.”